Facing Your Fears

When I was a child – 6 or 7 years old – I remember watching Terminator. Nannies never observed ‘parental guidance.’ So as they watched via VHS, all the kids watched along. The graphics haunted me: especially that part when Schwarzenegger cut his skin to expose a bionic skeleton. It got worse when fire burnt his face exposing a red eye. Now all imaginations of how the devil looked like coincided with what was on the video. Watching more violence and special effects affected me. Smeagol (Gollum) from Lord of the Rings, exacerbated things.

Now everyone who grew up in the 90s and early 2000s; in a not so urban setting has had an encounter with latrines. I developed a phobia for those structures. My imagination played tricks on me whenever the time came to lift one leg over that rectangular hole. It’d elongate, and I always saw the terminator’s hand ascend from the dark deep below. When I closed the door, I swear I’d hear Gollum say “my ppppreciousss…”

I’d see the hole stretch so wide that my legs could no longer escape the pull, and I’d capsize within, then the hole would close above me like a zip, starring me in catacombs of poop beneath; and the mourning of the kittens that had fallen in ere taunted me. I found myself always running out of the latrine before I’d push anything out.

How was I to survive? I resorted to the twins’ potty — happy birthday to them by the way — which I’d use and dispose off my stuff. But one time, the potty I could not find, and I found myself going outside the fence to a sequestered place to — you know — and alas, the brother I follow, Emma, caught me red handed. I pulled up my shorts quickly and stepped on my …. to hide it. I laugh at that scene, for my umoja slipper continued sliding downhill as my dung spread like an avalanche in slow motion. To keep my secret, I had to do whatever he wanted.

I tried overcoming this fear but I failed. I dropped so many slippers in the latrine’s pit (so, so many) whenever I tried to take one leg to the other shore. My mother discovered my slippers were always missing by half. One blue – one red. One time she found me snooping around from the place of convenience, one foot worn, another bare. She asked where the other slipper was. I could not explain that it slid because I saw something like a red eye within the pit; being followed by a malevolent hiss.

I found a measure to deal with my fear – to keep it at bay. I’d tear out from the middle part of used black books, take out the two-paged sheet and lie it across the hole.

Ah . . .The serenity! No Terminator. No Gollum. My business went on smoothly for many years. I’d stand up, lift my feet and let the sheet slide in. I didn’t lose any other slipper! We were only allowed to use the toilets later in life, so I dodged the latrines as much as I could; as previously, they were restricted to only be used at night.

Occasionally, like when we visit rural places, I ensure not to eat a lot unless I am sure of how I’ll excrete. But last weekend I was at my mother’s parents’ home in Adoku-Serere, Soroti. I had devised means of ‘doing it’ in a polythene, and taking it to the pit! But for Pete’s sake, I’d to grow some guts! How can I not fear the devil, but fear a hole with nothing below! I moved backwards, squatted, 1,2,3 and I was done. I had to cast out my childlike imagination, even if it contributed a lot towards the writing of my novels. (I’ve encountered other latrines by the way, with cracks as big as rift valleys, and for those, even those without the fear would protest …)

Now, I’m sure you’ve laughed so loud at various junctions of this article. I too have laughed; but I felt ashamed being such an adult and yet afraid of such a small thing. Of course, I’d tell God about it. He didn’t caress me; but re-echo the same ‘do not be afraid, be of good courage’ mantra. Sometimes our fears end up becoming a big part of us that we don’t realize we’ve even outlived them. Some define our past, and they could drag us down and prevent us from fulfilling our potentials.

I imagine Moses staying as far away from Egypt as possible for having killed an Egyptian. What if he was still ‘WANTED’? What if the brother to the person he killed was awaiting the day he’d return and slice his neck apart in vengefulness! Basing on how much I feared the latrine, if I was Moses, I’d not have returned; but God in His wisdom, waited for a time where Moses too could outlive or outgrow his fear: 40 years was more than enough! His new fear was stuttering and not the murder he performed.

Excuses are a good bi-product of our fears. Jeremiah said he was too young to be sent of God. Between the lines, and the letters; he was afraid. Joshua, well, Moses didn’t give a chance for his fear to develop. “Be of good courage,” he told him. Jesus in the garden, was so stressed his pores oozed blood out instead of sweat. The cup of dire suffering He was afraid of. And He hoped it wasn’t God’s will because it was a stew consisting of the suffering ingredient. But He must have remembered Job, and understood that it would not always be easy. He faced His fear, but only through surrender to God’s will.

One of fear’s solutions is embedded in the last point mentioned above. Jeremiah overcame his, when He agreed with God’s will: to send him to the nations as a prophet. God assured him that He’d place His very own words in His mouth; and that gave him courage to go!

The Israelites feared Goliath, because of what they saw: his size. The eyes contribute a lot to our fear. Elisha’s servant feared the multitude of the Assyrians which were attacking them. His eyes opened to see the angels that were thousand times more than the enemies. That exterminated his fear. I’d categorize this to be within the knowledge scope. We perish (fear) because of a lack of some particular knowledge. This knowledge was what enabled David face Goliath (of course with a backing of the experience he had had with the lions and bears that tried to steal his sheep back at home).

In all things, one must not RUN away from their fears. That is what I have found as a common denominator for most of our case studies.

Turning away from the Biblical characters, how have many of us dealt with fear! Many of us run from it. Sarah herself feared she was growing too old, so she took matters in her hands. The problem with that is, we do away with God’s script: we walk out His will; creating Ishmaels and things that were not meant to be. Some of us get tired of our own countries. Many Ugandans I have seen fleeing to UAE hoping for greener pastures there. But for some, that’s their own thinking — their own script. There wasn’t any surrendering to God’s will, so what if life there is worse. We must understand that God wasn’t stupid to make us nationals of wherever we come from (unless of course if He wishes one to that other country).

He wasn’t stupid to make you black. If you are afraid they won’t like you with your shade and your hair, and you go on ahead to change it, you seem to call your maker preposterous — your potter incognizant of the ways of clay! This only indicates that you do not fear the Lord your God. If you did, you would not think contrary to what He called ‘fearfully and wonderfully made’. If we do not fear Him, we will probably fear something else.

I’m not certain of this, but my aunty — about this subject — said that the phrase ‘do not be afraid’ is repeated 365 times in the Bible; representative of one day out of a year. This stresses how much God was aware of your fear.

By default, the fear of the latrine faded because I had grown. But not all fears vanish or are overcome. We simply shove them from the passenger seat to the back. Some cling onto us and form part of our realities. You might not fear the latrine, but you can’t stand people beholding you without make up, nor do you feel fully dressed without that wig or weave (always).

You might not fear cockroaches, but you don’t feel man enough if you have less than a hundred thousand shillings in your wallet. You may not fear snakes but you fear that you’d be incompetent just because you didn’t ‘stand’ for an entire week. And so, you keep engaging in masculine talk and always imposing and contesting for virility even when it isn’t called for.

I do not know what you are afraid of; but to fear is a choice. At some point God imposes, saying, ‘have I not COMMANDED you?’ Sounds rude; but I guess we must impose that tone on ourselves when our insecurities yell at us.

‘DO NOT BE AFRAID’ is a suggestion; meaning you bear a choice: to be or not to be … afraid.

Most of these cautions give reason for you not to be afraid. They add ‘… for God is with you.’ He personalizes it Himself at some point saying, “For I AM with you.”

This explains why John said ‘perfect love casts out all fear’, for if He’s within you, He’ll deal with all your insecurities. He is ‘perfect love.’ In fact, He won’t just deal with them (like I shoved my latrine fear to the back seat), rather He’ll OVERCOME the fear in you. That’s what He calls ‘perfecting all that concerns you.’

And when He’s done perfecting all that concerns you, you’ll fulfill your potential, without anything holding you back.

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Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, FOR the LORD your God [is] with you wherever you go.”

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Psalms 34:4 I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.