Today’s article may not be the usual sound. It bears with it ‘eloi eloi lama sabachthanis’ and ‘O Lord hear my cries.’ At the end of the 27th day of October, I wasn’t only tired physically. I was very, very, veeery burnt out mentally. My mind was having voices from every corner presenting their own view.
I have opened up about my liking of gym — a thing I am not still so free to talk about publicly. But for the gospel, for the edification of the church — of you and another, I willingly sacrificed my discomfort and overlooked it. Amidst the learning of self-control, I seem not to understand why this fruit of the Spirit seems ‘unmanifest.’ But as you read this, at the end of it all; as I asked God of this pain, He reminded me that fruits come from seeds, but seeds have to be buried. Oil comes from olives, but the olives have to be pressed.
You might think you are loving or loveable, until you are stabbed so bad in the back and God asks you to forgive, or do something good to that person. You might think you are joyful, until you encounter such heartbreak you have never experienced that you find yourself considering deep sadness and depression. Imagine Saul killed one of your siblings. And now, he is converted, and has come to preach at your church; that will be a situation that either makes you (a seed) to die to hate, and allow God’s love to override the flesh (even if gradually) OR you will walk away a seed that has refused to fall on good ground, but on rock, or by the wayside, being eaten by the birds.
The fruit of the Spirit therefore — even when we have not noticed, seems to bud, after the death of a seed. Remember Apostle Paul mentioning himself dying daily? Well, I kind of relate. So, God has to position you in situations that cause seed to die for the fruit to bud; that cause the olive to be pressed for the oil to flow. Here goes one of those;
On 26th, at a graduation party, I saw a natty young man whose shirt seemed to be resting on his hilly shoulders. It was a trigger. A trigger context could be a sobering person struggling with say alcoholism, or pornography, and they find themselves inclined to displayed bottles, or that lady passing by, dressed lasciviously or promiscuously. Suddenly they are transported to that place of pleasure; imaginations of the engagements of those things play in their minds. I was transported to the ‘nasium; wandering off amidst the speeches.
I tried to control my flesh, after all, this has happened so many times. For the umpteenth time, I found myself on the journey of asking for his number, even when I know for those that have tried I ended up deleting, for God hadn’t approved; and he allowed me, just to taste the frailty of man — again. To my disappointment, the young man said it was simply genetics and was unfamiliar with any ‘gymnal’ terms. I didn’t proceed asking for the digits.
Though God had won, the flesh is a child. It kept throwing tantrums until I lost sleep. I lost peace, until I had to be in the gym. Sunday afternoon came, and I honestly needed motivation. It had been weeks since I last went there. The last time I did, I went too heavy on the legs that I got fever two days later. I was sore, but my body’s greed had to swallow its ‘food poisoning.’ I got fever (malaria to be specific) two more times since, and couple of migraines the weeks following. I was afraid it’d happen if I went all out alone.
Like a nagging child, the flesh was wearing my mind. I randomly called up the ‘gym bros’ in my phone hoping their program would coincide with mine; but none was in town. I was frustrated. Another made his line busy. Another didn’t pick up. And my brain was being fried. I became mad at God;
‘You say I have self-control. Where’s it now? You are aware of this issue. Why am I not free? You said you’d wipe my tears — when? You promised brothers for the ones I lost! You promised to be my father… but YOU ARE INVISIBLE. Manifest! Walk here with me; If you would, I wouldn’t be frustrated with men! You said you’d bear me up. Yeah you said to trust in man is a snare. But you trusted Peter with the church. So don’t judge me for calling them up. You don’t understand! You are invisible! Take this cup of suffering away. Take it so far away. El-Roi you say! You see me, and then what! Have you stopped at that?’
As I cried internally, my flesh lusted for a dumb bell or a kettle bell or anything … shouting louder, ‘HURRY UP MAN! TIME’S FLYIN’
Trust me, I went sadly to that place; without any vision or goals. Within an hour I was exhausted. Very exhausted! Not physically per se; but mentally! I felt so lonely. I wasn’t happy. I was like a Siamese twin, having been dragged by the other head. And I asked ‘are you done?’ but my flesh did not answer back at all.
That is when I deeply, deeply appreciated the ministry of presence. When someone always shows up after your invitation; never be so dumb to take it lightly. Just someone showing up to be with you PHYSICALLY is a sermon that needs no articulation by words. Sacrifices have been made by that person . . . Even our own Jesus sacrificed many elements of divinity and supremacy, just to be human, and die for us.
You see, being the joyful kind, makes people think you never have such low moments. I rebuked my soul for sinking so deep in gloom, yet few days ago I was rejoicing having won an iPhone 16.
It can happen!
I was feeling guilty feeling this way. But then, I felt like writing it because, if it was not worthy in God’s eyes, then David would never have wept, or yelled at God in some Psalms. And God would have ensured that stories that express sadness or frustration do not get added to the Bible. My conscience condemned me for ‘walking in the flesh.’ But I retaliated, ‘Jesus wept too. Teaching non-suppression.’
I felt God’s invisibleness limit Him, or was it I limiting His ministry of comfort?
I stayed in the gym shower for a long time, as the hot water burnt my skin. Is this what people who commit suicide go through shortly before their demise?
Hopelessness?
We fail to understand their cups of agony. We fail to avail in their times of agony. And then we say ‘he called me, and I was too busy.’ O God help us. God move us for the sake of others to avoid eternal regrets.
But we must not expect saviors of friends all the time. They did not die for us. It is selfish to expect them to drop all their doing and aid us. How many times have we dropped all we are doing for another’s aid? So, although invisible, only God can be present at all time.
I didn’t talk to God fervently all evening. It was just a mute atmosphere in which two people coexisted. Sheer coexisted such that none can be part from the other.
God replied my first agony hours later, ever so gently,
‘You say I am invisible; like I do not feel what you are feeling. And yet, I became visible once. I constrained myself to a body; sacrificed my freedom, to dwell with my people — to dwell with you, to relate with what you are struggling with. The very words you mourn with; I mourned with first. I recall my cup of suffering; and how I begged the Father to take it away. He never. I am God, but, I was man too. I bear scars by men. Proof I was visible. Proof that I know pain! Yes, I see you; like I saw Hagar’s suffering; and I didn’t just see her, I sent a well to quench the thirst of her and her son. In fact, that well had been dug years before they would flee to that wilderness. I prepared ahead of time. I feed the birds! How much more you! I didn’t spare Jesus. What makes you think I haven’t prepared wells for you, before you were even made in your mother’s womb!’
I then realized, the flesh indeed, triggered, was that child that nagged, cried, and when was denied, just eventually kept quiet. It is being matured. Being buried that I might master it. Lest I murder like Cain! Lest I do wrong like he did. The flesh was shedding one big mood swing; taking the steering wheel of the soul and will as well, but I would still feel its dissatisfaction. . .
What good is in this? Well, firstly, empathy, compassion and understanding was imparted. The pain and torture and agony of the battle between flesh and spirit has taught me to not be quick to judge others going through any kind of trial and struggle. I tend to cringe at people who struggle with pornography or womanizing or the bottle. But like Jesus never struggled with my particular predicament, He could still relate by wisdom and understand in His own way the downward pull of the lust of the flesh. And that is the first form of comfort: when you lose a parent, and one who lost a parent earlier comes to you and says, “I lost mine too. But I wasn’t consumed. I am still here.”
That brings hope. Hope that it is going to be okay. That things are going to be better. It is human to grow weary. Isaiah 40:28-31 quotes that even the youth grow tired and weary. I was weary indeed. Jesus wanted to faint too. Jesus wept too. But, but … those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength. The text begins by saying; Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable.He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength.
I then understand how Jesus got up and braved the rest of the journey. The strength that capacitated Him was no human strength. That is why it is certainly hard for those without God’s Spirit in them to overcome temptation or trial. If God moved into you, Jesus’ humanity sympathizes with you, but His divinity does not allow you to be defeated nor sink to defeat. After that comfort, the Father’s holiness dives in with power to eliminate sin being manifest through the Spirit; steadying your feet from slipping. He steadied Jesus when the hunger could have made Him turn the stones to bread!
This was no different for Abraham: The Lord sympathized with the whole making of an illegitimate child. The man must have suffered as well, all those years waiting! The mockery! Like Noah’s, speaking of a rain that has never fallen on earth! But all these kept hope alive. That the promise was coming; and I as well picked this: to have hope that the victory prophesied in scripture will soon manifest over this flesh. The reality that Jesus was tempted in all ways and yet never sinned, is our portion as well! For the Spirit that enabled Him, enables us too.
He too hoped, and endured the cross; and eventually, eventually … it was all in the past. Sweet victory! Glorification! His flesh was no longer limited. It was fully submitted. Renewed! Obedient, even to the passing through walls. Even to the teleportation from one place to another. Even to the yielding so much, that it ascended with Jesus to the spiritual plane — Heaven, where we thought only spirits can access.
There is a power that just kills the flesh, or amazes the flesh, or controls the flesh, that like Enoch’s and Elijah’s it can no longer overrule the spirit, but just say ‘your wish is my command’, to your spirit; that it ceases to be amazed by fleeting things and lust, but have its gaze on the things unseen having obtained a renewed mind; going even unto places eternal; refusing to burn, even when thrown into fire! Refusing to sin however enticing the sin is. That power is available; but the flesh must first die. For even Jesus’ died first, and then moved in this limitlessness.
That is the hope we must bear; that our flesh — though not fully yielded, will soon encounter such power that it will become fully a prisoner of holiness! If you are experiencing such deep trial and struggle, remember Jesus in the garden. Gethsemane itself means ‘the place of the olive press.’ His oil flowed like blood-sweat out of the olive Him. It’s no coincidence that his flesh was in a place figuratively accurate to this context.
There is a time for affliction and suffering. A light one at that; for Jesus’ was more painful. And then, after a little while — GLORY!
So keep hope alive! Isaac eventually came. Keep hope alive! Though the healing might not be full yet, it has sprouted under the surface, where your eyes can’t see. Your victory will be whole soon. He will not let you see corruption. He will not leave your soul in hell! Your dominion over the flesh will soon mature; but first let process take its time. Let God work! You’ll not return to Gethsemane. You will look back at that cup, and it will be dry, empty, and toppled over.
And then —JOY! Which you don’t need to wait till the end to start rejoicing. Bearing hope must make you rejoice even now. Even before the full victory. As the seeming idols seem to prevail, remember you are the modern ark of covenant; like the Philistine idol Dagon fell in front of the covenant box and smashed, your sin, your flesh fall defeated by the covenant you have with God Almighty.
He is worthy of all your praise! He will give strength to you, to rule over your flesh! O yes His zeal does it!
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Isaiah 25:9 It will be said on that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, so that he might save us. This is the Lord for whom we have waited; let us be glad and rejoice in his salvation
Hebrews 7:25 Therefore He is also able to save to the uttermost those who come to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them.
Romans 15:4 For whatever things were written before were written for our learning, that we through the patience and comfort of the Scriptures might have hope.
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