Criteria for Choosing a Spouse

1 Samuel 16:7-10 But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For [the LORD does] not [see] as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” So Jesse called Abinadab, and made him pass before Samuel. And he said, “Neither has the LORD chosen this one.” Then Jesse made Shammah pass by. And he said, “Neither has the LORD chosen this one.” Thus Jesse made seven of his sons pass before Samuel. And Samuel said to Jesse, “The LORD has not chosen these.”

I strongly believe that this portion of scripture didn’t apply only for the finding of God’s king choice for Israel. We can convey the procedure to other parts of our lives especially if we are choosing any people with some sort of leadership over us.

We can’t pick every leader over us, for example parents, as we have no chance to choose, but we have other kind of people we have the ability to select.

I am not saying this is the only criteria for choosing a spouse, but I believe it’s one of the most important benchmarks to use when we come to decide. For both male and female, we need to look beyond beauty, beyond physique and beyond careers.

When we choose spouses basing on entirely beauty, we won’t sustain marriage when we pass a certain age. The women may become flabby. And the men might lose their hair. The man will then be forced to find a younger woman, who reminds him of how his wife used to be at a younger age, hence adultery. But… if we look at a suitor through the lens of the unseen and not the outward appearance; when we observe the heart, then the beauty of it compliments the outward appearance, giving us a quality that we can rely on and keep us in love with a particular person, even after the effects of aging kick in.

In Tyler Perry’s Diary of a Mad Black Woman, a rich man took her wife who had a pure and good heart for granted. He even cheated on her with younger women and even his children from another mistress were being taken care of by Helen. Charles soon became handicapped and broke. His friends, mistress and children left. The ladies he cheated with too vanished. His mistress in fact emptied his bank accounts and left with most of his riches.

Helen is all that stayed. And that’s when he realized she had a good heart, taking care of him while he was handicapped, even if he continued physically abusing her. Helen is an example of what I am talking about. Charles eventually lost her through divorce since she had been so sad for over 18 years as he never loved her unlike another sweet gentleman who met her more recently.

Of course the bucket list one has could be endless, but to be wise, the features one has to seek as they consider a spouse should be more inclined to the things unseen — the things that are heart oriented. I’d give an example of good character, or integrity. Men or women who tend to be only handsome or beautiful could pretend just to trap the other gender to like them.

After marriage, the pretense can no longer hold, and one finds themselves in deep regret. A colleague asked me how he’d investigate good character and integrity. I said they needed to know someone for a long time, for then, in between, one could see the acts of the other, and notice the small tendencies or tell-tell signs that’d show great character or integrity.

Beyond looking at the heart, we need an experienced party in these checkups. According to one’s level of union with God, they can be able to tell the posture of their suitor’s heart, for His Spirit knows all things, and so He can do the discerning and tell them.

When Samuel didn’t notice that God hadn’t chosen any of Jesse’s firstborns, God didn’t thunder loudly to be heard by everyone else in the house. Samuel heard Him from within. Secondly, Samuel didn’t have observing time. How sure could he have been that David’s heart was very clean! Well, another who had seen David while he was in the field told Samuel. And this could be the second option. God revealing the state of heart to you in regards to your admirer. If He says ‘go ahead’, then why not.

Thirdly, one has to be acute in hearing God’s voice. He says in His word that His sheep know His voice. Regardless, it takes a lot of years to make God’s voice distinct in one’s life. When a person has a best friend or a loved one, who calls them on a different number, they’ll tell who it is just by hearing their voice. This is due to the many years one has known that person. It’s the same with God.

At some point, you’ll know He’s speaking, the same way He convicts you of sin, telling you about any person in your suitors’ lane. The rest of the other aspects such as skin color, career, wealth, height, background etc; should fall in line after the ultimate confirmations by God Himself, who sees the unseen, that is to say; the heart of the person who might approach you or who you may desire.

Once God gives a go-ahead, all the other aspects can be improved. One may say — and the next line is explicit in requirement of parental guidance — that they are not sure if the other party can ‘serve it right’ in bed (as this could be on their bucket list). Well, if the other party’s heart is beautiful, it’ll be the drive and fuel for ‘a good serving’, unlike if they are only good outwardly but rotten on the inside.

For the latter case, one’s soul (which houses the heart) could reject the person; and due to the soul’s influence over the body, the body’s body language (pun intended) will act in a way that shows that it is not enjoying the ‘meal’, because something went wrong during the cooking. Perhaps no salt was sprinkled in (and yet you are the salt of the earth).

That’s why outward appearance alone is a red flag. Food can be as attractive as it can be but if salt is missing, it’s hard to go down the throat. If it looks okay on top, but harbors moulds within, it’s not meeting anyone’s oesophagus!

If the heart is beautiful, and perhaps the other party doesn’t dress attractively, that can be worked on! Many reject the beautiful hearts, over how fake the guy dresses. I have seen wives do such a great job sharpening their husband’s countenance to look better outwardly. Even their children help at some point. I see this much easier to do as opposed to changing a heart.

If a man is greedy, selfish and short tempered or if a woman is vengeful, crafty and lacks understanding, it’s much harder to change them even if they look attractive on the outside with a good car, fancy house and great job.

1 Samuel 16:12 So he sent for him and had him brought in. He was glowing with health and had a fine appearance and handsome features. Then the LORD said, “Rise and anoint him; this is the one.”

This final verse shows us that yes David was handsome. But so were his brothers! The reason He stood out was the state of his heart, which God echoed at the beginning. So beyond the outward, look at the inside as well.

1 Samuel 16:6 When they arrived, Samuel saw Eliab and thought, “Surely the LORD’s anointed stands here before the LORD.”

The prequel to our opening verse shows Samuel hastily concluding that Eliab was God’s choice, the same way our eyes or thoughts would be impressed first time that someone was the right one yet they are not! It’s a caution then to say that even the prophet could get it wrong by the deceit of the eyes unless the Lord intervenes!

I pray for you therefore, that by God’s help, you fall in love blindly, considering the unseen things and issues of the heart first before the seen accolades.

Happy choosing!🤗

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Proverbs 5:20-21 For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, And be embraced in the arms of a seductress? For the ways of man [are] before the eyes of the LORD, And He ponders all his paths.