Identity Crisis!

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“You’re Gay!” are the words someone boldly told me in form five while in high school years ago. My eyes bulged to near popping out my sockets. I’d get expelled for that.

Hi…My name is Biggie, and you have absolutely no idea what I’ve gone through in my life!

Growing through high school, I was a child. I was always behind as far as secondary characteristics are concerned. What boys experienced in form three, I experienced in form five.

In my form three, pimples manifested awash my face. The other boys had experienced this a year or two ago. I felt UGLY! I applied garlic, eggs and everything else the internet could advise.

I was popular in school. Why? My talents. So, genetically speaking, I tended to act more girly unlike other boys. I loved girls’ crafts because of their colorfulness and my love for art. When I wore them, I was called a girl. When more manly boys wore them, they were called daring and cool!

I could apply lip balm, not because it was girly, but in the subject of home economics, we were advised to apply lip balm to avoid cracked lips and so I did, (not much obviously, I didn’t want to appear like a kid who smuggled KFC and ate it under my blanket and then showed up in class).

Even in this, I was called a girl. And yet some cool boys came to ask for lip balm as well and they were cheered on. I began to go nuts. Why is it okay if they do it, but deemed ‘girly’ when I do it.

Everything about me was feminized. My shorts, my handwriting, my eyes, my shirts, my speech, my neatness, my gentleness, my hair, my blinking…EH. GOD I WAS DISGUSTED!

So, boys can’t have pretty stuff, is what I concluded! I took on that reality as my new identity. Even if I disagreed with it, soon, everyone around me had sort of created that cocoon and locked me up in that bubble.

Subtly, it crept into my subconsciousness, and I lived on with it. In form five, I could no longer take it. I’m such an actor you see. I was that same happy popular kid, who was hiding a lot of stuff underneath. The ‘girly’ title upgraded to ‘gay’!

Being naive even in upper classes, I kept throwing the words ‘I love you’ to those of the same sex. I thought erotic love was out of our range as high schoolers, but I was wrong. We had some spoilt brats with poisoned minds studying with us. I wouldn’t blame them. The internet and movie series contributed to their corruption!

Albeit, these took these words and thought I was IN love with them. Poor me. Word hit me as the chaplain one day called me and said, this story had reached the staffroom and I’d be expelled.

About 3 christian boys had been expelled since my form one for being caught in sodomic acts. And because of that, I had nightmares that I too could follow, winding up in that fate.

Every time the word ‘gay’ came up, I panicked, knowing that I’d be used as an example among my peers. Boys had come up with silly mantras that really got me twisted. Stuff like; ‘I went to Gayaza Boys and Namagunga boys’

For those who don’t know, Gayaza and Namagunga are one of the oldest GIRLS’ schools in Uganda… You can patch up the mockery!

I could see boys tell each other ‘I love you bro’… so I wondered why it was wicked if I said it. I was DYING. Voices in my head convinced me that I was gay and trust me, part of me died.

I stopped loving the way I had been taught by the bible. Someone would be in need, and I’d shrug and say ‘I’d be taken wrong if I helped you. Boys are not supposed to care or love a certain way.’

By God’s grace, I survived expulsion from school. It’s been 6 years since high school. God whispered to me the other day saying,

‘You know, having girly actions, doesn’t mean you are attracted to boys sexually!!!!!’

That is when it hit me. My behavior had been tried to DEFINE my nature, and in between the lines, I lost my whole self, to the verge that I could nearly have doubted my sexuality.

I had been conformed to the standards of this world. I discovered as well that I had claimed to love some boys all because they looked cool and having me as their friend would satisfy my desire!

Some had wide shoulders and broad chests. Others had that cool physique with shredded abs and what not! I felt like having those attributes would make me ‘more manly’.

When I got such stuff, it dawned on me that I had been lusting, wishing to have what others seemed to have and never recognizing what I had been blest with, and what God had already said about me!

I looked to man to try and define my identity and that set me upon a path where I lost myself instead!

I then turn to you…

What have others said about you? What has the world convinced you about yourself? Has it said you can’t be healed? Has it said you come from such a broke family you can never amount to anything?

Has it said that your sin is too big to be forgiven? Tell me all about it, and let’s see what God has said about you. No other truth must you esteem other than that which God has said about you? Why?

It’s because He made you and only a potter can tell the pot he made its purpose and what it is. It will get wrong answers when it asks a pillow…Just like an iPhone owner will get wrong medicine for his or her iPhone if he takes it to a Samsung manufacturer!

Who informs your identity? Even your friends might block you when they discover you got pregnant out of wedlock or if you impregnated that girl in case of a boy!

A new series will be coming live via Biggie’s Gospel Show on facebook here;

http://www.Facebook.com/BiggiesGospelShow/

and I will throw more light on people’s personal identity crises as I provide answers on how to overcome them.

Tell me how God rescued you out of it, or if you’re still battling with who you really are. Mine it was the difference between a genetic anomaly (if you can call it that) and the misuse of words by those that were always around me!

I also discovered that it was never the people around. The real enemy was the devil. Speaking lies to bring me down, and grab my confidence and keep me away from my rightful purpose!

I stopped loving as I had learnt. I kept back the friendship & freedom I had in me! And yet someone needed my warm words to brighten up their day. I withdrew from caring & kept back love, yet God is love!

I lived in immense fear, crying under my bedsheets several nights. Talking to other girls about it could have been gossiped about. Talking to boys it’d have been mistaken. I was all alone! Heart decaying, life purged!

If you’re going through such, then know your life must be so dangerous to the enemy that he’s doing all he can to stop you from advancing in defeating him & being who you were truly created to be!

May revelation flood your eyes, and may God reveal to you who you truly are, and what your true worth is!

Once again, I remain Biggie and I’m doing so much better now though I have absolutely no idea what you my reader, have gone through.

Regardless, healing is available!

Wanna talk about it, comment below, or DM me…

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51 thoughts on “Identity Crisis!”

  3. I can only imagine how this must have felt, Biggie. I am sorry that you had to go through this at a very formative stage in your life.

    Society tries put people in boxes and categories. This manifests through defining genders; masculinity and femininity. This on most occasions ends up creating unrealistic expectations on persons belonging to certain genders, because of a general societal expectation that one must act a particular way. Gender roles are socially constructed and as such, inherently unstable. It is deeply regretful that some students imposed labels on you for expressing your self the way you knew. No one, should have to be treated that way. It stifles creativity and can even lead one to question their own identity, as it evidently did. Thank you for standing tall and telling your story.

    I am happy to hear that now, you have defined in your identity based on your your convictions, and most importantly on what the Creator (God) says about you.

    Thank you for sharing this powerful personal experience, Biggie.

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  4. Thank you Biggie for being vulnerable!

    I feel like this spark is from that Fearless Summit session. I could be wrong though but you have touched a very sensitive spot and I hope that this article causes many who have judged as you were judged to reflect deeply on the impact of their actions. I’m also thankful that you found yourself again! Ebenezer..

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  7. Thank you for sharing this Biggie. I am sure there are so many young people whose identity will be shaped by your experience. I am growing to learn that everything about our lives, including our genetic make up were expertly crafted by our Father for the purposes of building His people. I am glad that you finally found out the eternal purpose for your realities. That the pain is slowly growing into healing for many. Thanks again.

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  8. Oh wow it’s why I always believe we never know the whole story,i was in a school where a guy got the same Nickname and same rumours spread around. I didn’t want to believe the rumours anyway because I knew what rumors can do if a person is not guilty.
    Am glad you found your peace ,our identity can only be found in God and we relate on different levels

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  11. I have been called gay before. Many ladies think I have sexuality issues up to now. Even one I dated in the past.

    I feel your story.

    Occasionally because I talk about the pride people judge me.

    One time someone asked how do you play rugby when you are gay.

    It can be hell sometimes

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  12. Brother, your story will touch many and could be the “get out of jail” card they have been praying for. Keep being used by the Holy Spirit

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  13. My oh my! this really got me emotional, i had no idea this is what you lived for a life back in the day. Fortunately you have found strength to walk out and find freedom in yourself. this is very encouraging esp to the young people out there who are at the verge of losing hope. Thank you for sharing this wonderful piece 😊 may God bless you and continue to strengthen u.

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  15. This is well written! Thanks for being Candid and I’m glad you found your real identity!

    These are tags society puts on people because of their genetic build and it is sad! One of my high school teachers called me a Lesbian simply because I was a tomboy, the entire class laughed. I begin to explain the pain it instilled on my heart!

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  17. It’s nice and refreshing knowing that in a way or another you got around your struggles and are now fine.
    I am sure this post is going to help someone out there with their own struggles, some struggles with us cant even be shared , the boldness to take a step and air out is virtually nowhere.
    Proud of you man that you came out and shared your story .

    Our world has been lost in so many confusions not limited to sexual and gender ones, sometimes even the people who weren’t nice to you probably didn’t intend it , there where just fighting a protective war , you know well the world we’re all in.
    Just forgive them too. I know I have also ever failed on being a true friend to sm1 who also had such a life style in fear of my friends looking at us that way, I am sure he felt left out but in my young ages I didn’t have what to do about it but now I know.

    Love you man, 🤣🤣🤣 let me wait for sm1 to call me g**

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  25. Thank you for sharing your story and not allowing others to define you. I thank God also that you did not fall into the enemy’s trap. One year later, this post is still lit. May it help others who may be in a similar situation.

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  27. Very beautiful write up. You just reminded me of the different bullies in high school. It’s amazing that you have the courage to talk about it. Its very healing.

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